Fight the Beigists! Furries defend the National Fun Reserve.

by Patch O'Furr

Furry militia (pic: Beastcub).

Beige is the opposite of colorful.  Beigists are enemies of fun:

  1. A dull, dogmatic, unoriginal person who uses stale language and platitudes, and disregards the eccentric, daring, decadent, or unusual; a humorless bourgeois.
  2. One who lacks charm, joie de vivre, blitheness, or self-expression. A bland, banal person.

There’s nothing wrong with being average.  The problem is the “-ism”.  These walking wet blankets want life to be as exciting as a smooth jazz concert. They usually exist in spongelike complacency, consuming safe and supervised expression that’s pre-approved by the mainstream.  But from time to time, certain things make them sniff disapprovingly, like outrageous outfits and spiky music, or being within 6 blocks of a furry convention.  They’re mild-mannered, well-meaning cousins of puritans who think culture is full of immorality, and fun and sinful things should be stamped out.

Screen Shot 2015-05-12 at 5.47.28 AMPuritans live in a black-and-white-world, where people are evil and need control for their own good.  Everything’s a slippery slope, and they’re the only ones with boots planted in the rock of convictions.  They’re convinced that comics cause Satanism, rap and horror movies cause violence, porn and video games degrade women, and children are perpetually being corrupted.  (For no reason, furries are worse than that with Ass Cancer on top.)  They’re often old, but sometimes they’re Body Snatchers disguised as young people.  They may even have blue hair and edgy beliefs, that allow no offense anywhere in their hypersensitive, insecure world. They have more than a little in common with the Taliban.

In extreme times, puritanical dictators gain power by offering safety to passive crowds.  They shovel books into bonfires while the crowds stand around warming their hands.  In moderate times, they just spread disapproval while control-freaks make War on Fun.  These fascists and Beigists fit together.  If fascists are toxic waste that destroys life, Beigists are sponges that suck the fun out of it.  If one sounds like a punch in the face, the other is an insidious whining noise.  What I’m saying is, it makes me slightly miffed when boring people judge others unfairly.  There isn’t a master race, and being comfortable isn’t a reason for superiority either.

War on Fun isn’t my term – it’s been around for a while:

This stuff about nonconformity isn’t meant to celebrate immaturity, or being so edgy you cut yourself.  Different opinions aren’t a problem.  It’s the unfair harshness and ignorance.  It can be stigma and mocking in the media, or anything from dirty looks to scapegoating.  Some of these drab forces are even within, lumping people together for judgements and false attacks.  (To coin a wretched word, call them “Furitans”.)  In extreme cases they use it for jollies and careers.  They act like there’s a slippery slope from weirdness to corruption, but the real one is from conformity to fascism.tumblr_n74kgg6JUd1rrmq4lo1_1280

They can keep trying, but they can’t win.  Your subculture is growing every year.  Furries are too lovable and creative to beat.  Every time you throw an amazing event, or just make someone smile, they have to try twice as hard to stop it.  Sure, hedonism isn’t necessarily a virtue – but the world needs at least a little of what you’re about.  It’s been noticed:

Furries represent Silicon Valley’s last, best hope at getting weird… Steve Jobs said his acid trips expanded his consciousness. Furcon does the same for Silicon Valley.

If a War on Fun occasionally flares up against furries, or if Beigists and puritans start sponging their way into your business, getting up in your face, telling you what to do, and speaking for you… I’m happy to remind you that you’re too awesome to fall for it.  Here’s a few stories about that.  (These attracted extra-high traffic, with thousands of views, so I think they deserve a feature.  It will stay linked up top in “Special Features and Top Articles,” and more will be added over time.)

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