Furry fandom “hide the yiff” alert system will create a clean image for the media
by Patch O'Furr
ThiccPup was relaxing at home when his phone began to bark a series of woofs that spelled HIDE YIFF in Morse code. Thanks to home defense preparation and training drills, he was ready for action. He buttoned a dress shirt over his “Fuck Bitches Get Scritches” t-shirt, while his bookshelf flipped around to switch his werewolf erotica with a selection of sports magazines. His bed sank into a recess in the floor and a new one flipped down from the wall, hiding his plushies, Paw Patrol sheets, Tsaiwolf daki, and the framed art of an anthropomorphic femboy husky blowing a blushy jock rottweiler. His Furry Fuel energy drink was safely stacked behind a jar of mayonnaise.
“I got nervous when my mom saw my lunch on the floor, but I told her I was just dogsitting. Close call!” said ThiccPup.
Being caught with adult content has dire consequences for some furries. In California, one was forced to tell their grandma what a tailplug was for. In Pittsburgh, a con security SWAT team was deployed for a pup play lobby incident, with orders to neuter on sight. The threat of public exposure has never been so high.
Red alert, hide the yiff! pic.twitter.com/B9l5ticxtB— Dogpatch Press (@DogpatchPress) November 20, 2018
Cleaning up fandom image has been so slow, that it’s been constantly discussed since the 1980’s. Some argue that sexual stigma is such a threat that the entire fandom will stop growing and is on the verge of collapse, just like when everyone didn’t listen to that in the 90’s and 2000’s. However, thanks to a campaign by clandestine furries in government chambers of power, now the dual sides are being kept safely separated by the Hide The Yiff alert system.
This system is built on modern technology that brings Amber Alerts, emergency disaster warnings, Shelter In Place advisories, the National Terror Threat scale (with levels Red, Redder, Reddest, Maroon, Vermillion, and Fuschia,) the Presidential Alert system, the Bat Signal, the President’s Embarrassing Us Again warning, Nextdoor’s OMG I Saw A Stray Cat Or Vagrant Urgent Alert, Kaiju Beacons, and the Watch Out Boozy Is Coming To Dinner advisory network.
Some critics aren’t sold on it. Kelloggs cereal mascot Tony The Tiger calls it a scheme to protect the furry admirers who ruin his PTSD recovery. Mr. The Tiger said, “Last week I heard someone talk about tying their shoes with a tight knot, and it gave me flashbacks. I can’t even hear the word “milk” without hissing.”
How did this develop? Sources say Uncle Kage, CEO of Anthrocon, started it by lobbying Pittsburgh, PA officials to install combination mass surveillance/dog-whistle devices on his turf in the city. When contacted at his home, he denied this and asked if we wanted a family friendly chat. He offered one comment to print: “The media has a vivid imagination. If furries did naughty behavior, how could some hypothetical “system” help hide it? It would be all over the internet already. Clearly we are dealing with an urban legend being spread for salacious ratings.”
According to officials, the new system is only meant for furries, so if you aren’t in the fandom, you won’t need to bother about hiding anything. However it’s still being tested and might have a few bugs. They advise that if your phone starts barking with code that hypnotizes you, and then you wake up with an obsessive urge to watch Zootopia and wear a tail, don’t worry – you can leave the fandom as many times as you want.
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